Moving the Ball Forward: On Making Decisions ⚖️🍒🪩
Before I begin, I find it important to give credit where credit is due whenever possible. I have had many brilliant teachers and mentors over the years, Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD being one of them. Tatkin is the founder of PACT — a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy — and half of the idea that follows is derived from him. The other half I derived from Pia Mellody, founder of PIT — Post-Induction Therapy — a relational psychotherapeutic framework that addresses childhood trauma and offers a roadmap for becoming more mature and functionally relational.
Let’s dive in!
The New Year’s Eve Ball dropped and our hearts are cracked open — for good. That means we’ve stepped into the realm of vulnerability. As Mellody outlines, when we accept that we’re vulnerable, it means we’ve acknowledged there’s something valuable at stake. And when it comes to mature adult relationships, that means we have a responsibility to be functionally relational with self and other — otherwise known as interdependent.
Mellody explains that when we’ve been less than nurtured as children, we can experience a form of arrested development, with the result being relational immaturity, or codependence.
And that’s where Tatkin comes in.
Tatkin explains that making decisions is how we grow ourselves up. This can be hard to do, because in doing so we must face grieving — and an inability to do so keeps us stuck.
Immature. Not growing.
The challenge with making decisions, as I’ve interpreted Tatkin to explain, is this: the cost of making a decision is that we have to give something up. The gain of making a decision is that we get something, too. And for those of us who struggle to let go of the thing we must give up in order to get the thing we’d like to have, that’s when we lose. Technically, rather than having our cake and eating it too, in reality we don’t really get anything.
I personally find it relieving to know there’s a formula for relational maturity we can follow that helps us grow. Mellody says we’re all inherently valuable and vulnerable — worthy of protection — dependent as children, and interdependent as adults. Tatkin says that in order to grow ourselves up, we must make decisions. We must let go and grieve the thing we have to give up so that we can more fully enjoy the thing we decide we’d like to have.
Great!
So — how do we grieve?
Well, that’s a loaded topic, and one that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is most commonly our go-to guru for. However, truth be told, I’ve found her framework at times helpful, and at other times, not so…
In the spirit of formulas, one I came across — sadly, I can’t recall where I saw it, probably because it struck me so deeply in the moment — is this:
Grief = Love + Loss
Yes, that’s it. And no wonder! Grieving is hard because it requires letting go of something we love, or want, or value. Why in the heck would any of us want to do that?
Ouch!
But as Tatkin says, avoiding grieving or staying stuck — kicking the can to avoid facing reality — is worse. Tatkin explains that a sign of a Secure Functioning couple is that they move the ball forward. They get things done. They don’t stay stuck. They weigh the gains and the costs, and they work together to collaboratively make decisions that serve the greater good of the relationship. And the good news is, when you’re in a Secure Functioning relationship, you don’t have to grieve alone.
So this year — let’s commit to moving the ball forward. Whether single or coupled, let’s confront tough decisions, weigh the gains and the costs, and make decisions that are going to help us not only survive, but thrive. Let’s take time to acknowledge the thing we’re letting go of — name it, acknowledge it, feel it, breathe into it, release it — and commit to letting it go in time so that you can celebrate.
Celebrate the thing you gain as a result of letting the other thing go.
So play ball!
Move the ball forward and see where it goes. 🪩
Jessica Hansen, LMFT
Founder — CouplesTherapy.co 🍒