Valentine’s Day: Love Against The Machine
By Jessica Hansen, LMFT
Founder, CouplesTherapy.coBy Jessica Hansen, LMFT
At CouplesTherapy.co, our vibe is Love is Fun! and It’s Okay to Play. Shared meaning is our "secret chocolate sauce" that moves couples from surviving to thriving, so we celebrate traditions whenever we can—it puts the “J” in Joy!
But honestly? Most of us have no idea what we’re actually celebrating.
I know, I know… not everyone is a V-Day fanatic. Maybe you’re rebelling against what feels like a corporate “holiday,” where expectations are high and we spend our entire paycheck. But before you write it off, let’s rebel against The Machine, shall we? Because it seems to me, like most other good things, this day was hijacked—but your heart doesn't have to go along with the script. (Though for the record, I’ll still take the roses, the chocolate, and the fancy dinner… just saying.)
Let’s find the deeper meaning. To do that, we’re heading back to 269 AD—a time when the “Machine” tried to delete romance from the hard drive of humanity.
The Buzzkill: Claudius “The Cruel”
Meet Emperor Claudius II. He was juggling what I call the Four I’s: Invasion, Illness, Inflation, and Infighting. To be fair, he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was fighting for survival and stability—and when survival is on the line, we all have a tendency to check our highest selves at the door and kick into fight-or-flight when the ish hits the fan.
Claudius chose the fight. His “genius” solution? Ban marriage.
He believed married men made “soft” soldiers because they were too attached to their families to die for the State. He chose Hardness over Heart because he thought he had to.
The Rebel: Saint Valentine
While Claudius was the Chief of Lonely and Detached Men with the sole purpose of dying for the State’s interest, a Christian priest named Valentine was running a literal underground marriage ring.
In a world shaped by transactional Roman Paganism, Valentine offered a counterculture of Unconditional Love. He married couples in the dark, dodging guards and proving that shared meaning is worth more than any imperial decree. Even when he was tossed in jail, he didn't stop. Legend says he healed the jailer’s blind daughter and left her a final note before he was executed on February 14, 269 AD, signed:
“From Your Valentine.”
The Therapist’s Twist: The Shared Truth
Here is the savvy part: Claudius II and Saint Valentine actually agreed on one thing—Marriage is incredibly powerful.
They both knew a committed union has the power to soften a hard heart and shift your entire world.
Claudius feared that power because it made men prioritize love over war.
Valentine revered that power because he believed the sanctity of a bond was a gift from the Most High—reserved for something far bigger than a dinner reservation.
They saw the same truth: Love changes your loyalty. One saw it as a threat to his Machine; the other saw it as the only thing worth saving.
A Lesson in Virtus: Rethinking "Manliness"
In The Roman Empire, there was a core concept called Virtus. To the Romans, this meant "manliness" or "valor," and it was strictly defined by aggression, military conquest, and a heart made of stone. Claudius II was obsessed with Virtus; he believed that a man’s strength was measured by how much of his humanity he could suppress for the State.
But Valentine offered a different kind of Virtus. He suggested that true strength isn't found in the absence of emotion, but in the courage to be vulnerable. He proved that the strongest thing a man can do is protect a bond that is "soft." We’re not just fighting for a dinner reservation—we’re fighting for the right to stay soft in a world that demands we be made of gears and bureaucracy.
Your Decision: What’s Your Rebellion?
We often “harden” our hearts to survive our own modern machines—work, stress, money, the endless scroll. We seem to have deprioritized matters of the soul and have grown to think being unattached or “independent” keeps us safe, but as I’ve seen it, the 5th “I”—Isolation—is the real plague.
This Valentine’s Day, I invite you to rebel against the obligatory stance of the machine that hijacked the script and ask yourself:
What will you live and die for? Your “territory” or your connections?
Does your relationship make you “soft”? Good. That “softness” is exactly what the Emperor feared and what Valentine died for.
Will your legacy be a hardened heart or a joyful soul?
Choose the shift. Choose the person. Choose to play. Because whether you're building an empire or a life, love is the only thing that actually lasts.
From Your Valentine,
Jessica Hansen, LMFT
Founder — CouplesTherapy.co
P.S. If you enjoyed this "Love Map" through history, you’ll love our weekly insights on modern intimacy. Join our community of "Soft Hearts" by signing up for our newsletter here. We’ll send you practical tools to help you choose love against the machine every single week
P.P.S. Ready to Join the Rebellion?
In a world that demands you be hard, unattached, and "independent," choosing to be soft together is the bravest thing you can do. Jessica Hansen, LMFT, provides playful, solution-focused online couples therapy for partners in California, Florida, Texas, Colorado, and Hawaii.
Click here to rebel for your relationship.